The magic of not being in control

“I saw two or three of Henry Cameron’s pictures… They were properly exposed. The prints were skillfully made. And they were boring. Julia Cameron’s printing was inconsistent and parts of the pictures were soft, but they were never boring. There was something beautiful about not being in control all the time. Not being totally proficient. It was magic.” - Annie Leibovitz on Julia Cameron’s printing.

If this title gave you a strange feeling of discomfort you cannot explain, then you have intuitively grasped the essence of it. Some things are difficult to conceptualise and having a sense of control is one of them. Our need for being in control can be so powerful yet so unconsciously driven that it often catches us unaware. Some experiences are more scary than others, especially when it comes to intangible things like feelings. Ever wondered why falling in love seems like the most natural thing to do but at the same time, also the most scary?

The two faces of control

Control appears in so many aspects of our daily lives, we are often unaware of it; much like a familiar piece of furniture we accept as a part of our home. A healthy amount of control is very important for us because it gives us a sense of groundedness, anchoring and empowerment. We feel better equipped to handle life’s challenges. This confidence to pursue our goals can help us cope with stress and adversity, contributing to our overall well-being and happiness. 

But sometimes life doesn’t go as planned and we get hit with a tsunami of things going wrong. During times of uncertainty—when the stress of the situation outstripes what we can handle—anxiety may arise. We may find ourselves facing overwhelming challenges that seem beyond our control, feeling at the mercy of external circumstances. Feelings of vulnerability may also arise because we feel exposed and unable to protect ourselves or our loved ones. In an effort to regain a sense of control, it is not uncommon to try to micromanage situations, sometimes involving ugly attempts to dominate or manipulate others.

Breaking the pattern of control

Perhaps this invisible impulse to be in control of our lives is as strong as our bodies needing food or water, that it should be included into Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Underneath the obvious reasons and justifications often lies a secret desire to surrender; one that is hidden in the inner recesses of our heart, waiting to be awakened. Against every grain and fibre of our being, the word “surrender” sometimes triggers such fear that a flush of unexpected exhilaration rushes in, in an attempt to balance it. This feeling of excitement signifies the very beginning of our quest to discover what surrender means. 

The desire to travel and discover new places, to ride a roller coaster, to fall in love, even to watch a horror movie, are expressions of our natural desire to surrender. They mark an instinctual and perhaps subconscious yearning to be released from fear and tightness. Oftentimes, the harder we control, the stronger the inner desire to surrender. In a world that constantly tells us how unsafe and dangerous daily living is—with news about terrorism, life-threatening viruses, financial crisis—it is no wonder we reach for these activities, sometimes with such desperate hunger, in our attempt to rebalance ourselves. By meeting the very thing that we are afraid of, we develop the courage to confront it square in the face.

Yet, surrendering to our inner guidance doesn’t necessarily require drastic actions; even simple, intentional activities that are out of our normal routine can break up the hold and loosen the pattern of fear in one’s life. For example, if one seldom talks to strangers, flashing a smile can be the small act to introduce and familiarise ourselves with new situations and feelings. The real question is, how many of us challenge our limiting beliefs and allow ourselves to experience these things on a day-to-day basis?   

When fear turns into empowerment

While it may seem counterintuitive at first, these initial feelings of fear and powerlessness eventually become an innate sense of confidence and power, one that we can call upon at any time. In fact, surrender is the very state that is perfectly smacked right between the two; feeling both powerless and power at the same time. We surrender not because we are certain that things won’t go wrong. We surrender precisely because we know and accept that things may go wrong. 

Making the active choice means embracing life with a courageous heart. It is the coming face-to-face with this possibility, looking it right in the eye, and saying, “It’s okay, I’m not afraid”, that brings the magical rush of exhilaration. The act of facing our fears, rather than avoiding it, has a liberating effect on our souls. As we grow in courage and spirit, we begin to feel a sense of lightness and purpose, the feeling of which is often described as “being in the zone”; much like a surfer who has mastered and rides confidently on top of huge ocean waves. 

Practically of course, one should do it in small steps and learn the skills that go along with each stage of the surrender process. 

A magical carpet ride of surrender

After all that has been said, surrender is quite the exact opposite of everything that we have been taught in school about being productive and proficient adults in society. It is about letting go of the need to be capable and successful, one that we often hold onto as our sense of identity, and instead, just allowing life to take us on a magical rollercoaster ride; not unlike Aladdin on top of his magic carpet traipsing across the city. 

Arguably, it is not just about overcoming fear, but also about changing the way we define our sense of self, for in the act of surrender, we break apart all our previously known assumptions to redefine Life itself. As we change how we look at ourselves, we begin to change the very fabric of our existence from one of control to one of blissful joy, step by little step, act by little act. 

Just as Annie Leibovitz said (in the opening quote above), “There was something beautiful about not being in control all the time. Not being totally proficient. It was magic.” Perhaps we can be inspired by the words of a master craftswoman and begin to discover the magic of surrender for ourselves too.  

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Food for thought: What triggers the feeling of tension in you and makes you feel the need to take charge?